


Flappy Bird

by freeasthebirds



Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types, Batman - Fandom, DCU, DCU (Comics), Red Robin (Comics)
Genre: Family, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-02
Updated: 2014-04-02
Packaged: 2018-01-17 22:35:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,077
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1405027
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/freeasthebirds/pseuds/freeasthebirds
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tim Drake had enough of his brothers and father playing Flappy Bird 24/7. What was the point of the game, anyway? He had to do something. But how is he going to pull this off without his father, the Batman, noticing?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Flappy Bird

Wayne Manor

“AHH!! NOOO! I’M DEAD!”

“Last I checked, you were alive and standing.” Tim remarked sarcastically, not glancing up from his work.

“I was so close! So close!” Dick groaned, looking as if the world had just ended.

Tim flicked his eyes over to the screen of Dick’s phone. “You’re still playing that stupid game?”

Dick gasped in shock and horror. “Stupid? It’s not stupid! It’s the greatest game ever invented on this planet!”

“It’s stupid with a capital S. You spend hours just trying to get 5 points. If that isn’t stupid, I don’t know what is.” Tim replied.

“Hey, everybody is playing this game! That shows how amazing this game is!” Dick exclaimed.

“You mean how amazing that it can ruin your eyesight? And do you know the health problems that come with being in contact with your phone for more than an hour? This game is even more addictive than smoking!” Tim said.

“Maybe you should take your own advice. You spend hours staring at that computer of yours!”

Tim sniffed. “At least I’m doing something productive that will benefit many people.”

“You have no idea what you’re missing out on, little brother.” Dick sighed, shaking his head sadly. “And how can you judge something without trying it out first?”

“I _did_ try it.” Tim said irritably. “Kon was bugging me to try out the game and he wouldn’t stop even when I threatened to use Kryptonite on him.”

“So how was the game? It was fun, right?” Dick asked.

Tim gave him an ‘are you serious’ look. “I uninstalled the game five minutes after I installed it. Then I crashed Superboy’s phone for wasting five minutes of my precious time.”

“Oh, come on! Five minutes is not nearly enough to enjoy the game! You must give it a chance, Timmy! And the bird is so cute, he looks just like you!”

Tim raised an eyebrow. “Excuse me? Are you comparing me to that…that ‘ _thing_ ’?!”

Dick nodded his head vigorously. “Yeah! You’re Red Robin, and the bird is red!”

“I’m not a bird! And Robin would be a better comparison!”

Dick shook his head in disagreement. “No, the bird is small and cute, which fits you perfectly. And well, Damian is also small and cute, I guess, but he’s kinda like a mini Bruce. And Bruce is not small and cute. Heaven forbid I see the words small and cute together with Bruce in a sentence.”

Tim threw his hands up in the air. “This is ridiculous! I don’t even know why we’re having an argument on ‘Flappy Bird’ of all things! Why do they call the game ‘Flappy Bird’ anyway?! You’re making the bird jump or hop in the air, which is technically impossible. And the altitude that the bird is-“

Dick interrupted, “Okay, stop right there! No need to go all science whiz on me. I know it’s unrealistic, but Tim, it’s a _game_. Games are supposed to be unrealistic.”

Tim grumbled under his breath and stood up, gathering his papers together and holding them close to his chest.

“Whatever. I’m going to my room where I can _concentrate_. Have fun killing yourself in the game.” Tim said before heading up the stairs.

Dick, who was now alone in the living room, suddenly had a thought. “Hey, I wonder if Damian has heard of Flappy Bird.”

 

 

“So you’ll take those three while I take the others, got it?” Red Robin said, turning to his partner. “ _Hood_!”

Red Hood jumped. “What?! Oh, great, now look what you just made me do!”

Red Robin snatched the phone away from Red Hood’s gloved fingers.

“Hey! Give me that!”

“First Dick, now you! We are on a mission and the first rule when you’re on a mission is to not get distracted!” Red Robin hissed.

“I wasn’t distracted! And give me back my phone, Replacement!” Red Hood growled, tackling the younger boy to the ground.

Suddenly, the sounds of gunfire and screams filled the air. The two vigilantes quickly got to their feet and ran to the source of the commotion.

“This is all your fault! Now those thugs have hostages!” Red Robin growled, jumping down and using the element of surprise to take out the thugs.

“Me?! You were the one the stole my phone!” Red Hood retorted, joining Red Robin in the fray.

“You were playing Flappy Bird on your phone! What if someone snuck up on you while you were distracted?! And no guns.” Red Robin added, knocking the guns out of Red Hood’s hands with his bo staff.

Red Hood snorted. “Yeah, right! I’ll like to see the day someone manages to sneak up on me! And what do you mean no guns?! It’s not like I was going to kill them!”

“Sure you weren’t.” Red Robin said dryly, delivering a roundhouse kick to one of the thugs. “And need I even list out the number of times we scared the shit out of you even when we weren’t trying?”

“I’m not talking about Bat people, Replacement. And Agent A doesn’t count, he scares everyone, even Bru-I mean, Batman.” Red Hood replied, punching the lights out of the remaining thugs.

Red Hood and Red Robin hauled the unconscious thugs to the entrance of the alley and tied them up.

“I just contacted the police; they’ll be here in five minutes. Hood, can you- _Jason_!!”

“No using real names in the field! Didn’t B ever tell you that?”

“We haven’t even finished the mission yet! And how did you get your phone back?! It was in my utility belt!” Red Robin shouted.

“Snagged it when your back was turned.” Red Hood responded, tapping rapidly on his phone’s screen.

“Why in the world are you playing Flappy Bird?! I thought you hated playing games!”

“I thought I did too, but Roy downloaded the game into my phone and I was like ‘oh, what the heck, I’ll just give this thing a try’. This game is great, I just-whoa, almost hit the pipe.” Red Hood muttered, concentrating on getting the small bird across a few obstacles before continuing, “I think I’m more addicted to this game than smoking.”

“I think I prefer you smoking over playing this silly game.” Red Robin said under his breath. He raised his voice, “Okay, fine. If you want to stay here playing your stupid game, fine. I’ll just get the information myself. Don’t blame me if Batman gets on your case.”

Red Hood nodded absently, “Yeah, yeah, whatever.”

Red Robin shot a grappling hook to the nearest building and took off. “I can’t even get a break from Flappy Bird even on patrol! And Red Hood of all people is playing Flappy Bird! Luckily Dick’s not around today to bug me to play Flappy Bird. So I will have peace and quiet when I get back to the manor.”

 

At the Manor

Tim walked into the kitchen and what he saw stopped him in his tracks.

“Damian, are you playing Flappy Bird?!!”

“Tt. Obviously.”

Tim shook himself out of his stupor. “I thought you said games were pointless and are a waste of time and yet, here you are, playing Flappy Bird!”

“It was merely to prove to Grayson that I could achieve victory in this game.” Damian responded, gritting his teeth as the words ‘Game Over’ flashed on the screen.

Tim groaned and buried his face in his hands. _Thanks, Dick. Thanks a lot._ Even when Dick wasn’t around, he’s somehow still creating trouble one way or another.

“Can’t you see that Dick’s just trying to infect you with the infectious virus that is Flappy Bird?!”

Damian paused for a moment, his finger hovering over the ‘restart’ button. Then he scoffed, “Tt. Grayson has already infected the entire household. I am sure that I cannot possibly get worse by playing this infuriating game.”

“If it’s so infuriating, then why are you still playing it? Besides, it’s impossible to win in that game.”

“Stop pestering me and go die in a hole, Drake.” Damian stated, refocusing on his game.

Tim repressed a growl of frustration and instead opted to leave the kitchen. “This is bad. Very bad. This disease has even gotten to Demon Brat! If I don’t do something soon…”

 

 

There was a crash, followed by loud cursing.

Batman, Nightwing and Robin who were analyzing a case at the Bat-computer, turned to look at Red Hood.

Red Hood raised his hands defensively. “Hey, wasn’t me.”

Nightwing rolled his eyes. “Then who, Alfred?”

Red Hood scoffed, “Are you kidding me? Alfred never swears. And that was definitely Replacement just now.”

“Tt. As if. Drake is too cowardly to swear.” Robin said.

“That was what I thought too. But a few months ago, when we were on a stakeout- “Red Hood cut himself off when the Cave doors opened and Red Robin stormed in.

“Oh, hey, Red Robin! How was patrol?” Nightwing greeted cheerfully.

Red Robin tore his mask off his face. “Horrible! I got caught by Penguin and Joker and I had to listen to them argue whether Flappy Bird or Flappy Penguin was better!”

“Flappy Penguin?” Nightwing repeated. “I didn’t know there was a Flappy Penguin.”

“Neither did I! Apparently there are many remakes for Flappy Bird. There’s Floppy Bird, Clumsy Bird, Flippy Bird, Flappy Flying, Flappy Wings, Flappy Owl, Flappy Fish, Flappy Fins, Flappy Bee, Flappy Turtle, Flappy Pig, Flappy Cat…” Red Robin took a deep breath and continued, “…Flappy Bat, Flappy Sperm, Flappy Potato, Flappy Frog, Flappy Dog, Flappy Shit, Flappy Rabbit, Flappy Turd and…need I even go on? The list is endless.”

“Flappy Turd and Flappy Shit? Whoa, I gotta check those out.” Red Hood commented.

“They have Flappy Bat…why don’t they have Flappy Batman or Flappy Robin or Flappy Nightwing?” Nightwing pondered.

“This ‘Flappy’ thing is getting more and more ridiculous.” Red Robin ranted, pulling off his tunic. “I mean, seriously, Flappy Fish, Flappy Pig, Flappy Shit?! Fish and pigs can’t fly! And where did they even get the idea for Flappy Shit?! That’s just plain disgusting!”

“Hey, you know the saying ‘when pigs fly’? This shows that it _is_ possible for pigs to fly.” Nightwing joked.

Red Robin removed the rest of his costume and quickly changed back to his civilian clothing.

“Dick, don’t. Just… _don’t_. If you haven’t noticed, I’m in a very bad mood now. So if any of you disturb me tonight, I’ll make you experience your worst nightmare.” Tim said before climbing up the stairs to the manor and exiting the cave.

 

The Next Morning

Tim dragged his feet to the dining room and sat down at the nearest chair, rubbing his eyes groggily.

“Your coffee, Master Timothy.” Alfred stated, pushing a mug of steaming coffee towards him.

“Thanks, Alfred.” He mumbled, clutching the mug like it was his lifeline.

Fortunately, by the time Dick and Jason came down, Tim had already fully woken up and was now skimming through the newspaper.

“Did you really have to jump on my bed to wake me up?” Jason grumbled to Dick.

Dick flashed Jason a bright smile. “I was only trying to surprise you, Jaybird.”

Jason glared at him. “Surprise me? You freaked me out! You’re lucky Alfred took my guns or I would’ve put a hole in your head! And do you know how heavy you are? You really need to stop eating so much, you’re getting fat.”

Dick mock gasped, “Fat? I’m not fat! You are the one who should tone it down on the carbs, young man!”

“You’re not my father, so stop acting like one.” Jason muttered as both of them joined the others at the table.

“Morning, everybody! Hey, why is it so quiet?” Dick questioned.

“Tt. It is _supposed_ to be quiet, Grayson. People are not meant to talk during mealtimes.” Damian answered, looking preoccupied with something.

“Dami! How can you say that?! Bruce, how can you let your _son_ say that?!”

To Dick’s surprise, no one responded. All of them looked preoccupied with something.

“What’s wrong with all of you? Timmy, what are you doing?”

“If you had any eyes at all, you would be able to see that I’m reading the newspaper.” Tim deadpanned.

“You’re so boring, Tim. Bruce, what about you? What’re you doing?” Dick asked.

“Working.” Bruce grunted, tapping the screen of his tablet.

“Master Bruce! You should know better! Do not play games at the table!” Alfred reprimanded from behind him.

Bruce jerked forward in surprise and nearly lost his grip on his tablet.

“Games? You’re playing games?” Dick jumped up and managed to catch a glimpse of the screen of Bruce’s tablet before he closed the application. “Bruce, you’re playing Flappy Bird too?!”

That caught his brothers’ attention and they immediately stopped what they were doing.

“No.” Bruce denied.

“But I saw-“

“ _No_.” Bruce reiterated.

“Now, Bruce, you always said that dishonesty is-“

Bruce cut Dick off. “I wasn’t playing Flappy Bird.”

“No, you were playing Flappy Bat and oh, what do you know? You have Flappy Bird on your tablet too.” Jason smirked, casually browsing through Bruce’s tablet.

“Jason! What have I told you about taking people’s stuff without permission?”

“Don’t do it?” Jason shrugged, handing the tablet back to his father.

Damian spoke up, “Father, I demand to know how to stop crashing into those infernal pipes on that game.”

Bruce pretended he didn’t hear Damian’s question. He was still trying to convince Dick he didn’t play Flappy Bird.

“Bruce, what’s your highest score for Flappy Bird? And don’t say you don’t have one, we all know you’re playing Flappy Bird.”

Bruce looked about to protest for a moment, then he closed his mouth and sighed, “653.”

Dick gaped at his father. “653?! How in the world did you get 653 points?! My highest score is 82 and it took me a million tries to get that!”

“Mine is 345. Guess I beat you, Goldie.” Jason snickered. “And what’s your score, Demon Brat?”

Damian scowled at him. “That is none of your business, Todd.”

“I bet you only got 5 points, Spawn.” Jason taunted.

“For your information, _Todd_ , my score is 322, which is more than Grayson’s pathetic score.” Damian snapped.

“But still lower than mine!” Jason gloated.

“At least I’m not playing Flappy Rabbit on my phone!” Damian retorted.

There was silence.

“Flappy Rabbit? You play Flappy Rabbit? Aw, Jaybird, I always knew you had a soft side!” Dick managed to choke out between gasps of laughter.

“Shut up!” Jason yelled, flushing slightly. He glared at Damian, who was now smirking triumphantly at him. “You’re one to talk! You’re playing Flappy Cat on your phone!”

Damian immediately dropped his smirk and returned the glare Jason gave him.

“That’s not surprising. Though I’m rather surprised in _your_ choice of games, Jason.” Tim drawled.

“It would have been more beneficial for all of you to complete your chores than while away your time playing games.” Alfred sniffed disdainfully, while Tim nodded in agreement.

“Oh, come on, Alfred, I only played for a little bit.” Dick protested.

Alfred arched an eyebrow. “Oh, really, Master Dick? Have you finished the report that was assigned to you yet?”

“It’s almost finished!”

Alfred gave Dick an unimpressed look. “I recalled that you gave me that excuse three weeks ago.”

“Now, if all of you do not want to scrub the floors instead of patrolling tonight, I suggest you put away your phones now. That includes _you_ , Master Bruce.” Alfred added, glaring at said man, who had just extracted his phone from his pocket and was now fiddling with it under the table.

All of the Bats, except Tim, who was still reading the newspaper, quickly stowed away their phones. You just don’t disobey Alfred.

Tim stood up suddenly and folded the newspaper article he was reading.

“And just where do you think you are going, Master Timothy?” Alfred demanded disapprovingly. “You have not finished your breakfast.”

“I’m going to my room to finish the project I’m working on.” Tim answered smoothly.

Alfred nodded. “Ah, I see. Off you go, then.”

Jason and Dick gaped at what just happened. Alfred just let Tim go like that?! It took them forever to convince Alfred to let them skip breakfast. Not to mention they also had to suffer the Alfred Stare of Doom.

“Why does Replacement get away with everything?” Jason grumbled under his breath as Alfred trotted away to the kitchen.

 

 

“Yeah, it’s confirmed. They will be taking it off the market tomorrow. Have you-? ...Oh, okay, thanks. I owe you one. …What? No, I won’t help you paint Batman’s room pink; pick something else. …Uh, yeah, okay, fine. I will help you hack Nightwing’s computer for whatever ‘mysterious’ reason of yours. …Since you already finished yours, can you do it for the Titans too? …I know, but I haven’t eliminated my targets yet. …Okay, be careful. I’ll see you later at the usual place.”

Tim ended his call and placed his phone on his desk. “Now, I just need a distraction. Hmm…I may need to ask for help from the ‘Terrifying Butler’ though, as Jason so eloquently calls him.”

 

 

The atmosphere in the manor was tense. This was due to the fact that Flappy Bird was removed from the Apple’s App Store and Google Play, as the creator of the game found it too addictive. The members of the Bat-family that were playing Flappy Bird didn’t react much to the news, as their initial thought was ‘it doesn’t concern me; ‘sides, I already have Flappy Bird on my phone/tablet’. That was until they found out that their phone/tablets were infected by a virus that only and **_only_** caused the Flappy Bird application to crash and did not affect anything else.

Batman kept his calm demeanor, while Dick and Jason wailed their loss at the top of their longs and Damian sulked like a three year old, as he had this ‘brilliant’ idea that he could transfer the Flappy Bird application on Clark Kent’s phone to his tablet. Of course, the plan was rather unsuccessful, as it was soon revealed that almost everyone’s phones were infected by the virus, which has been dubbed the name of ‘Flappy Bird Terminator’. Batman was furious. Not only did someone manage to get through his firewalls, which was supposed to be impenetrable, but he also suffered the loss of his beloved game.

 

 

Batcave

“No? What do you mean ‘no’?!” Jason snarled.

“No as in no. Do you need me to spell it out to you?” Oracle’s voice returned.

“No as in you can’t or no as in you won’t do it?” Dick asked carefully.

“The latter.” Oracle responded.

Jason stared threateningly at the computerized face. “You better fix it or I’ll-“

“Or you’ll what? You _do_ realize that I’m Oracle, right? I have enough blackmail on you for a lifetime, so you’ll do well to remember that.”

Dick put a hand on Jason’s shoulder as a signal to his brother to keep quiet and let him handle this. “Why won’t you help us?”

“Because Batgirl insists on playing Flappy Bird during missions and refuses to listen to me at all. Not to mention that _you_ have been ignoring me and instead choose to spend your time playing Flappy Bird.” That earned a wince from Dick. Oracle continued, “So why should I help you bring back Flappy Bird or remove the virus when I hate that game?”

“You sound like Replacement when you say that.” Jason muttered, before snapping his eyes to the screen. “Wait a second…do you and Replacement have anything to do with this Flappy Bird mess?!”

“Bravo! Took you long enough to figure it out. You should use your brains more often, Jason.”

Dick looked confused. “Wait, what? What do you mean, Babs? What does Tim has to do with this?”

“Wow, you’re slow. I’m rolling my eyes at you now, Dick.” Oracle said. “Tim came to me the other day with a proposition. And it was such an _interesting_ proposition that I simply couldn’t refuse. So with the help of Black Bat, we eliminated Flappy Bird off the face of the earth. It’s gone forever.”

“ **What?!** ” Batman growled, overhearing Oracle’s explanation as he returned from patrol with Robin and Red Robin.

“Well, except for the APK file for Flappy Bird stored in O’s computer.” Tim added.

“Tim, you did this?! How could you??!” Dick whined.

Tim rolled his eyes. “What, you want me to watch the whole world get conquered by Flappy Bird? I had to do something! All I had to do was send a very ‘polite’ letter to the creator of the game requesting for the game to be taken down. Then Babs and I created an indestructible virus which could infect devices through Wi-Fi, Bluetooth and messages. We had to send Cass to disable the firewalls in some places though. Not that she knew how to, of course. O gave her a pen drive that would do all the work.”

There was a moment of silence. Then, Dick said, “Tim, you’re a vile and evil human being. Have anyone ever told you that?”

“Yes, on multiple occasions; most of the time by villains.” Tim said in reply.

Bruce cleared his throat. “Tim, you’re grounded for-“

“For what? All of you were slacking on patrol because you were so preoccupied with getting the highest score on Flappy Bird. Its fine if you want to play for fun, but what happened the other day is where I’d to put my foot down. Alfred agrees with my decision and has even helped us. So are you going to ground him as well?” Tim challenged, knowing that Bruce wouldn’t dare to ground him when he had Alfred to back him up.

Bruce stared at his second youngest son for a full second. Then he grunted and walked back to the manor. He knew he wouldn’t be able to win a fight against Alfred. Batman may rule Gotham, but Alfred ruled over the Batman.

 

 

Wayne Manor, a few days later

“I’m gonna kill you, Replacement!” was heard throughout the manor.

“And _I’ll_ help.” Damian hissed, twirling a dagger in his hand. “You shall pay for destroying _my_ game.”

“Go ahead!” Tim dared.

Jason and Damian shared a glance and made to lunge at the teen. However, just before they could, someone gave a small cough.

“My word! What in the world are the two of you doing?”

Jason and Damian froze and slowly turned around to face Alfred, who was looking rather displeased.

“Uh, nothing, Alfred.” Jason said quickly.

“Mind your own business, Pennyworth.” Damian scowled.

Alfred pursed his lips. “Very well, then. No more cookies for the both of you for a month.”

Jason and Damian looked at Alfred in horror. No more cookies?! It was the end of the world for the both of them.

“This is all your fault, Demon Brat. Everyone knows that you can’t be rude to Alfred. You’re lucky he didn’t make us wash all of Bruce’s cars like last time.” Jason grumbled after Alfred left. “And wipe that smirk off your face, Replacement. Alfred won’t save you next time.”

“Oh, please, l can take on the both of you with both hands tied behind my back.”

“Wanna test that theory, Replacement?”

“I will stab both of them in their sleep.” Damian muttered, walking off to find Dick, who he presumed was still moping in his room.

 

 

He was a hypocrite. Yep, he was definitely a hypocrite.

Tim Drake sat on his bed playing Flappy Bird. Yes, _he_ was playing Flappy Bird!

“Well, it’s not like I’m playing 24/7 or something. I’ve only been playing it for 15 minutes. This game is not so bad after all. It’s a good stress reliever. I don’t know why people find this game so hard; I mean, I already got 467 points and this is only my fifth time playing it.”

Okay, so maybe he’s a hypocrite. But at least he’s not the only one. He knew for a fact that Oracle and even Black Bat played Flappy Bird as he heard the unmistakable sounds of ‘Ding’, ‘Ding’, ‘Ding’, through the communicator yesterday. They were all hypocrites and they were proud of it. The best thing about playing Flappy Bird now? They were the only people in the world that had access to this game!


End file.
